Eid...

Eid came and now is finally over. This Eid was definitely one of the difficult ones. Yahya was looking very handsome as always :). Here is a picture of him for future reference :).
Apart from that all the domestic help went on leave the day after eid, so that was kind of tragic. The bright side of the story was that atleast all the qurbani ka meat was taken care of before they went.
Depression was at its highest this Eid, I have never heard my mother talk so much about my wedding, it was quite depressing. I don't really blame her since my wedding anniversary is coming up and this year I myself am a bit not really my usual chirpy self, my depression is quite obvious this time, I hope I get over it soon though because it won't do any of us any good. Yahya was not much of a help either, he had to have his hair cut and the child cried as if the poor barber was actually cutting his head off or something. I was strong enough to make it through the haircut but then after he went to bed for his afternoon nap, i couldn't stop crying, I was so sure of myself that I was done crying for the past and now I was a strong willed woman, but that day I cried like there was no tomorrow. It was bad and it was messy and it depressed me for two whole days, again the brighter side of the picture, I was all done before Yahya woke up, so he did not have to witness the ugliness of the situation. Honestly speaking, this Eid was a little lonely with everyone being busy in their own commitments and me and Yahys just sitting around with nothing to do and no where to go. My parents offered me to come with them to go aroundmeeting the relatives but then I just wasn't in the right frame of mind this time around hence me and Yahya just watched TV and played some silly games. I guess I had not planned the Eid days right, maybe we should have thought of some fun things to do beforehand.

I am all out..

So now there are no tears left in me anymore. I have this strange habit now which is really worrying me. Now,whenever I am angry or sad, my chest tightens, i lose complete focus, I lose all of my concentration and I feel angry. That is it. All I feel now is anger and I have this urge to reach out and hit someone really hard. I can't do that always and that makes me more angry, frustrated and the tightening of the chest increases. I sometimes get a feeling that I will someday die of a heart break and I don't mean this in a metaphoric way. I actually think that my heart will break into two someday or maybe even more pieces.
Feelings of frustration and not having my life's decision in my own hands have again started haunting me. I just don't feel in control of me anymore, not that I ever was, before marriage it was the parents, during marriage it was the husbands mother and now its the parents again who whenever it comes to me making a decision about myself play the card of me being back in the house and living with them hence being answerable to them as well. Its not even sad anymore, it just makes me feel bad. The other day i was just thinking out loud and planning this great life with me and Yahya traveling the world because I somehow magically got a job which allowed me to travel. Now this is something which is most unlikely to happen to me and I know that and the people sitting around me also knew that, they all know that this is just my way of going to dreamland for like a day or even a few hours and just feeling a little better about my already pathetically boring and directionless life. The only reply from someone who has always been the biggest support of my life was, please talk sense, you know something like this is not possible, you have a child and you have responsibility so talk sense. So all i could do was.... nothing... :)
There is a new thing which has started happening to me. Now I have made it very clear to everyone in life and even to those who are not a part of my life anymore, that for me Yahya is a miracle of God and a gift which God has given to me. I am a firm believer that if I am a little sane, it is because of my little dude :). Anyways, so it has never crossed my mind that I could move on in my life and leave my little man behind, I mean he is the reason I am trying to be as normal a person as I am right now. The people around me have started using this card against me as and when they please and to their own convenience.
They want me to get settled down with a nice man and move on in my life and if there is a demand of the person I can always leave Yahya behind and move on in my life. However, if I day dream about a job, which can allow us, mother and son to travel I am reminded about my obligations as a mother who needs to give a secure and stable life to my son and in their books traveling around the world with my baby makes me an irresponsible mother. As if we lived all our lives in one place, I mean these are those people whose own kids have traveled all over the country moving every two years and changing schools and ending up in the smallest of cities and the worst of schools. It is an ironic life.
P.S I am not complaining about my own childhood here, I think I had the best anyone could wish for. My only frustration is that I want to be able to make some decision and choices for me and my son alone.

I fear I may have turned into a sad, insecure and depressed woman who after a while may not have even HAVE a thinking of her own.

Just a post!

I have been trying to write something here, there is too much in my head which I know I need to put here, but I just cannot seem to do that.
This is my eighth attempt to start writing on a topic I can write a few lines on, but I am failing miserably. For the past month or so I have been surrounded by so many thoughts, so many dilemmas and so many options of the right and wrong that today when I actually was reminded by Muz that I have not been writing, I just don’t know what to write.
An old colleague from my days in advertising (which were limited) reminded me that I was once a very good writer and hence was a copy writer at an agency, he said that I should write a short story on my present face book status which was “goodnight cruel shouty world”. He reminded me how, at one time, all I needed was a pen and a paper and just a thought in my mind and I could do wonders with my thoughts. Now I am sitting here, with so many random thoughts in my head that I really don’t know where to start from. Maybe I am trying to hard or maybe the thoughts going on in my head are just not meant to be written down on a piece of paper.
I think it is the former, I AM trying too hard. *sigh*
Anyhoo, Yahya’s second birthday is coming up, I don’t know if anyone will agree with me, but I want a “Winnie the Pooh” themed birthday party this time. Yes yes I know I know its old fashioned and has been done so many times and what not but I don’t know I just feel like doing a pooh themed party so im going to do a pooh themed party. I mean seriously next year inshAllah when I plan his birthday, he will have his own choice of theme and most probably the birthday will be celebrated in his school. So yeah this is the last year when I get to do the party my way so pooh it shall be.
Apart from that life is still quite the same as it has always been, I am busy with work the whole day long. After work, Yahya takes up most of my time. I love to now just sit and watch him so all the cute little things that he has picked up. He is definitely one of the reasons I want to come back home after work, I am nowadays working hard to get out of this country because with each passing day living here as a single mom is becoming more and more tiring for me. I don’t know how long will I be able to fight this everyday battle with almost everyone I interact with.
Ok reading what all I have wrote I can safely now say, that I have the writers block, I have no idea what all I wrote and I am sure anyone reading it will also be thinking the same. So I am now just going to log off and probably start some regular writing tom when I have some interesting things to blog about.

P.S. This was solely for my friends who reminded me that I had been missing for too long. Don’t worry about me dudes, I shall be back with more interesting stuff soon. *hopefully*

Update...

I have had a very interesting few days. It’s been packed with lots of action, drama, suspense, long office hours, an event, a media plan, some new friends, some old, lots of tears and some squabbles now and then. I don’t really know where to start from and what all should I mention here, once again I am so behind in writing in my blog that I am once again lost for words.
My apologies to my friends who read my blog to get updated about my life (yes muz I mean you exactly) but I just didn’t get the time or have the strength to do all the updates.
Anyways, first things first, Yahya has grown up considerably. He has had his first swim of the season, he has managed to catch a small birdie (with the help of his he maid of course). He is now also discovered and become quite fond of the taste of Rooh Afza in milk and now refuses to have milk if it is not cold and sweetened with this. He also now really enjoys his visits to the park, I bought him a new shalwar kameez and he looks like a real life “gudda”. He also now notices when I am not around for some time and becomes cranky and according to my mother “misses me”. That gives me a really warm feeling and gives me some strength in the fact that my son does notice my presence/absence which is something I have always been worried about. I checked with some schools here and the one I want to put him in says that I don’t have to register him so soon and that he will be inshAllah taken in the September 2010 session. I can believe that my son will be joining school from next year. I have mixed feelings about this milestone as well, again many questions will be asked and I being the mother want him to have a very smooth time in school and not be bothered about a topic as trivial as “father’s name”.
*sigh*
On the professional front, well things have been busy but I can safely say that I have settled in well in my new office. I now know what all I have to do here and am comfortable with my team members as well. I managed to have another successful launch, this time I launched my product and it went very well. The day of the event was very, how should I put it? Umm… “eventful?” . My boss made me the MC at the very last moment which was quite interesting since I was doing the arrangements till 10am till 7:40pm, the event was supposed to start at 8:30pm and I found out at 6 pm that I am the MC. Now imagine this, my hair is up in a pony and it is VERY oily, I have my clothes with me but my feet are tired and I have heels to wear in the evening but you know what? I managed to get through all of this and that too with flying colors. I was confident on the microphone, I looked fine and I got appreciated as well. All I am waiting for now are my event pictures because pictures are the only things which tell the whole truth. I do have a small video clip of the event where Abida Parveen is performing my favorite song, let’s see if I can upload that for you guys to enjoy as well.
Apart from that, a friend of mine called me on the day of my event and told me that my ex husbands mother is going around looking for a new match for him and telling whoever she meets that his ex wife (read me) was a bad character girl and that is why the marriage didn’t work out. Amazingly she isn’t telling anyone that he has a son as well and no responsibility of the child is being shared by his father or paternal grandmother as well. It’s not like I care about all this but yes I haven’t told my parents since I know what their reaction will be. They will be like, oh the people have started talking, and you should quit your job and sit at home now. Since I don’t plan to do that I don’t plan on telling them what my ex mom in law is going around telling people as well. It is amazing though that people actually considering my ex husband as a potential husband/son in law are not questioning them about the son. Like I said it doesn’t bother me *much* about what all that woman has to say to me but yes it does amaze me that people (read friends) knowing well what all I have been through come up to me on a day which is already stressing me out and having it toll on me and tell me this great “gossip” and then expect me to be all happy about it and forget it after a minute of me hearing it. Strange. This world is strange.
Anyways, that was the blog update for the time being. Let’s see when I get a chance to do this again.

Catching up...

I HAVE to stay away from all things chocolate. I met this guy yesterday, he said that a year back his waist was 41 and I just looked at him with my mouth wiiiiiiiide open. Now, he says his waist is 31. Ahem. HOW do people do that? I fail to understand actually I KNOW how they do that but I just fail to understand the whole part haha!

Anyways, newest update is that Yahya has now FINALLY accepted the fact that I am his mother and now calls me Ma-Ma. These are the two MOST wonderful words I have EVER heard in my life. I can not even begin to explain the effect they have on me.

Secondly, I think I have lost my mind, everyday I want to go out. EVERY single day. Me and Yahya have been having a lot of late night outings nowadays. We just go out, drive around, I take out some cash from the ATM and then we drive out some more and then we come back home.

Yesterday he had a cupcake (a chocolate one) from HobNob. He loves it. I now know one thing which he will eat when he is being absolutely impossible about eating which he is on most days. I wonder if it is healthy for him, I mean there is nothing wrong in the cupcake. There is flour, eggs, some cocoa, milk and sugar. I mean they are not unhealthy or dangerous. I mean fine an overdose of sweet things is not advisable but yeah I think I am going to let him have some fun on some days, like get high on chocolate.

Anyways, as much as I would hate to admit it, I am missing my parents and am counting the days when they will be back.

OH! And I went to see my dentist and MAN I still find him QUITE the guy. I mean I don’t know if I have explained myself before, but he’s NOT good looking or anything, he just “charming” and every time I have an appointment with him, the first thing which comes to my mind is, DAMN! *sigh*. So, I was telling SuperFurkan about this and we have come to this conclusion that we should find a look alike dentist and he should be single!

I mean imagine this, the guy is telling me that the tooth aches (which are lethal) I have at times they are actually due to my wisdom teeth and that I should get them extracted and that it is possible that I have to undergo a surgery to get them out, so, he’s telling me all this and what am I doing? I am sitting in that bloody dentist chair and smiling at him. For those of you who don’t me, I am TERRIFIED of doctors of all sort and five people have to hold me down to get me to take an injection. What is the dentist doing? The dentist is telling me that SURGEONS will have to give me a local anesthesia and will be pulling out FOUR of my wisdom teeth and what am I doing? I am SMILING AT HIM! I am shocked at my behavior! Not really but I should be right? Lol!

What else, work is going good, I like my new job, its nice, it is the work I wanted to do the only problem right now is, which is with most of these marketing jobs are the working hours, they are looooooooooooooong. I guess I just have to hang in there and then it will get better when I am the Director Marketing of this firm and I make other people like myself at the moment do the work and I shall be just coming and going in and out of interesting meetings.

So I guess that is about all the update I have for the moment, I have depressing stories but I think the blog is already filled with all that so for some time we shall remain focused on some happy thoughts.

Although I have to mention here that I was listening to the radio and this song was playing, I don’t know by who but there was a line there which was “…sometimes goodbye is a second chance…” and I was thinking… hmm.. true but only for people who want to use it. I know many who would gladly just pass!

Regret.

He's sleeping a very peaceful sleep. I can see it when I look at his face. Not a worry in the world, just plain sleep :).
What am I doing? I'm letting the many stored up tears flow and regretting my many decisions in life. Maybe I did take some decisions for him and for the others around me which they just didn't want. Maybe I was just thinking about "me".
*** This Message Has Been Sent Using BlackBerry Internet Service from Mobilink ***

*No, I can't do this all by my own, I'm no Superman*

So I watched this video. It was lying right there and as much as I had promised not to do this to myself and not to inflict anymore pain on myself I went around doing just that.
It was a peach and green dress, my makeup was such that even the meanest of people in my family could say nothing other than, "you look gorgeous." I think most of the color, the dress and the makeup had to do with that but then it was my day and man was I smiling. It was 1st April 2006 (what a day to get engaged). I still remember how I could see from my drawing room window, his family passing by my house on the road into the plot right in front of my house where the whole arrangement had been made. My brother had walked me up to the stage and that was the day when that man had held my hand for the first time. I won't lie, but it felt strange and it felt differently nice. My friends were there, all hyper and looking absolutely stunning, he had this goofy smile on his face the whole time and it was just this evening full of happiness and fun.
It was a beautiful day.
Yes I have been going through my old pictures and stuff again, I can’t help it. I had wanted to get rid of all this rubbish today as I had promised myself and was going through all the things which he had sent back to me. I still don’t understand why he would send me back all the pictures and videos of the honeymoon and the wedding but not return my wedding dress to me. Yes, I got all my things back but what I didn’t get was my wedding dress, not that I have any use of it anymore but its just strange that they have not sent that back.
Anyways, just needed to get over with all the sifting of the stuff and I have successfully done that. Now comes the difficult part where I have to now get rid of all the pictures, I know this may sound crazy and weird and yes I do hate this man by the core of my heart but I just can't seem to burn or get rid of these pictures. I just can't. It’s like the only proof left which I can maybe show my son tomorrow that yes this was the man I was married to and this is your father. I know it sounds lame but this is the only excuse I can come up with to myself in order to somehow justify as to why I am still holding on to all these cruel and painful memories.
I think I just need some support and maybe I will be able to chuck these things out if I have a friend close by with whom I can shed a few tears and then formally say goodbye to the past. It’s just too painful a procedure to go through on my own. Maybe I'll just wait for my sister to come in the summers and then I can do it. Maybe. I really don’t know.
I want life to start all over again, I do. I was sitting with my mother and going through my old stuff getting rid of things which are no longer usable or worth using and all she could say to me was, it would have been nice if you were in your own house with your husband and were using all these things happily and at that time all I could say to her was that yes it WOULD have been NICE but then I'm not dead now even and I am happy so I will use most of my things even now. But what my heat actually said was, "please mom, not now, not at this stage, I don’t think I like hearing what you are saying." I can feel my heart break into a million pieces with each passing moment but that is not the most painful part. The most painful part is where all those millions of pieces are just inside me and I can't let them come out.
I hate having to be so strong all the time. I think I need one day when I can just be my own sad self and not be judged about it or be told that hey see we knew you would regret your decision. This is not me regretting my decision, this is me just feeling a little low and letting out some hurt and anger by shedding a few tears. Maybe someday, I shall have my one of those days.